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It has been three days since he asked you to marry him. You have tolerated ecstatic screams and hugs from family, friends and even the strange old man living next to you. You have managed to stop staring at your ring and walking with your hand in permanent display position – fingers stretched out. You have even found the file you have been adding to since you could spell ‘wedding’ and had a little laugh about the dresses you chose when you were sixteen years old. But now, the actual day is looming and you have no idea what type of dress you want.

Of course, every bride should know there are four different dresses when it comes to your big day. The first is the worst one, it is called ‘Thanks, but-no-thanks-Gran’. We have all feared it from the beginning of time. Gran got married in a two piece peach pastel outfit, made by her own Gran. She will lovingly remove it from the stale plastic she kept it in from the Ark days and even offer to model it for you. She would recant stories of her Big Day. Gran thought she was the belle of the ball. Gran saved it for you. Gran is mistaken. Not only is this little number pastel, the peach is now sunset yellow. For this dress, you not only have to be firm in your ‘no’, but very creative in your reasoning.

Dress no 2 is called the ‘I-love-you-my-friend’ dress. You and your bridesmaid(s) walk into a bridal boutique. You snoop around the boutique, find something wrong with every dress and then your eyes spot it. What you think is The Dress. You go into the fitting room and you feel like this is it. Your pulse quickens and your heart palpitates. This is your dream dress. You can barely keep your excitement in; the tailor can’t lace the back up quick enough so you can show it to your friends. You open the curtain, you expect jaws dropping and oohs and aahs. You were wrong. You feel like a princess, you look like an overstuffed piece of wors who fell into baby pink chiffon and taffeta. Because your friends love you, they shatter your dream. Accept it.

Dress 3 is the one you like but just can’t fit into. This is the easiest one to spot. You love it. Your bridesmaids love it. The shop assistant loves it. Your mom loves it. Your thighs do not. Your waist does not. Move on!

And then, when you are just about to go cry it out, The Dress makes its appearance. Be it in the restaurant bathroom’s magazine, be it in that little shop across the bakery where you buy your brownies, be it from the aunty who is married to the creepy neighbour, who coincidentally makes wedding gowns, it just shows up effortlessly. When you finally fit The Dress, and you find it is comfortable (as comfortable as a wedding gown can be) and it makes you feel like you are the only girl in the world, you are ready to marry The One.